109

february eh? how time flies. this coming 21st going to be a year since bapak left us, me especially. i missed him, seriously i missed him. that is why i kept on teaching sofiyya to learned the word "atuk'. i'll asked her 'atuk mana atuk?' and she replied 'atukkk'. sad thing though. al-fatihah to bapak. anyway, starting february im officially a full timer. higher salary and more worth it. i've stop job hunting actually cause i'm busy working at starbucks, but mak harimau kept on putting the pressure. 'awak cuba lah syarikat ini itu ini itu'. fed up actually but me myself haven't stop trying and praying actually. menyesal tak tolak semua tawaran dulu? i don't have the exact answer, it's a no i guess.

the other day i told my bro in law that i've changed to full timer and i was like 'ni rasa useless kerja starbucks even though full timer skrg'. if u all know what i meant from that, i just need a permanent job. a proper one, a stable salary. and he replied 'ni jgn berfikiran mcm makcik-makcik boleh tak?ni kerja, bukannya menganggur, and apa salahnya starbucks?'. and i was like hmm. i've been thinking this actually, if i dont get a proper job anytime soon, i'll make starbucks as my career but not forever obviously. the differences only from the attire and timing. salary? its just the same. example, my friend working as a pr executive and his salary? 1.8 k a month. when u work at here, your meal and drinks? foc. eheh. so there's pros and cons. the cons? ahhh people perceptions. 'kau belajar tinggi-tinggi, end up dekat starbucks? layan orang? buat air? heh.

apart from it, life treated me okay so far. i came with a routine nowadays which is a coffee session with my friends whenever im off. i'll hang out with the same person every single day. i don't have so many friends actually, social networking friends are just social networking friends. not more than that. actually i get offended with some of my friends behavior when they already have someone in their life. being ignored is the correct word maybe? rarely contact and etc. am i like that before this? i guess so. but brahh its okay, its their life. not mine. ahah. i'll just live my life without them. i'm totally cool with it. oh yeah, i'm supposedly going to sg this month but ahah things happened. a friend of mine confessed his feeling towards me, which makes me errrr eyeww errrr. fucking awkward with it. you're only my course mate, not more than that. sorry friend.

ahhhhhhh okay i should get a sleep by now, back to back working hour. nice eyy? good day!

108

Hello 2013, I didn't have any specific resolutions but I really hope that this year going to be a good year to me. Managed to get my very own driving license ( haha hell yeah weh! siapa sangka! haha ).Next, I can't wait for my degree convocation this October hehe. I've been working as a part-timer for the past two months, I need a permanent job as soon as possible. Rezeki tak sampai lagi aku rasa, teruskan berdoa dan berdoa, In Sya Allah. Love life? As time goes by, I don't look for one now. Lonely itu perkara biasa. Untuk dapatkan seorang lelaki yang dapat menerima diri kau sepenuh jiwa, bimbing kau dalam hal agama, bersabar dengan tiap kerenah, bertanggungjawab dan setia, agak sukar walaupun tidak mustahil. Konklusinya, ikut sahaja aliran masa.

So yeah, till then. Assalamualaikum wbt.

107

Alhamdulillah, selepas empat bulan, selesai sudah alam praktikal. I'm going back to Kedah soon, send my final report then back to Petaling Jaya and starts working as a Barista again at Starbucks as a part-timer. Doakan untuk aku cepat dapat kerja tetap ya! Haha! Anyway, it's been a long time i didn't wrote anything in here. Life treated me good so far. I don't have anything to say. Last night, mimpi pasal Bapak. I'm alone at the graveyard and  crying. Hm. Next, niat untuk pakai tudung dah ada cuma tak tahu bila nak pakai. Plus, bila dah pakai tudung I need to change certain things in my life. Sebab tak nak dipandang orang, contohnya pakai tudung tapi baju ketat, nampak dada. Gitu. Aku ada terbaca jugak artikel yang tulis, jikalau ibu bapa dah meninggal dunia, kita sebagai anak contohnya yang tak menutup aurat, siksaan tu ada jugak pergi dekat ibu bapa. Hm. Alasan lain ialah aku ni selalu berdoa lepas solat yang aku nak dipertemukan dengan jodoh yang soleh. Apalah doa aku itu kalau aku sendiri tak berubah ke arah kebaikan? Betul? So yeah. Do pray for me.

:)

106

Majlis Raya :)

105

honestly, i don't like my siblings. why? cause of their attitude problem. i might be the youngest and i should be the most selfish and stubborn among the rest, but no. instead, both of them reflect this kind of attitude. i felt very sorry and sad towards mak for having this kind of children in her life. kurangnya pendidikan dalam agama adalah salah satu faktor. aku bukannya nak malukan both of them but they should know apa balasannya jikalau meninggikan suara, menidakkan permintaan mak dan sebagainya. sebagai yang bongsu, kadang-kadang aku rasa malu. one of them soon going to know how is it feel 'menderhaka' kepada mak. i just wait patiently for the time to come. nak tengok how her daughter's behavior bila meningkat usia and when the time have come, she will regret. same goes to him, he will regret anytime soon. bila diri tak pernah dihujani dengan ayat-ayat Al-Quran mahupun kerajinan dalam sembahyang, yes ini jadinya. Astaghfirullahalazim.

i'm not saying that i'm a perfect daughter but at least i have the awareness. apa balasannya jikalau menitiskan air mata mak walau setitik. thank you to Allah SWT. aku tahu aku belum contribute apa-apa dekat mak or even at the house, but i will one day. plus, niat aku cuma satu, bahagiakan mak sebelum dia pergi. perasaan menyesal datang selepas bapak pergi. betapa menyesalnya aku dengan layanan dingin yang aku bagi sebelum bapak meninggal. sebab tu, tiap hari tak putus-putus doakan untuk mak dengan bapak. this is me, i can be very sensitive and touching when it comes to my parents. mak is my first priority now. and here i am, menangis seorang diri dalam bilik mak fikirkan kenapa takdir aku tertulis macamni. surrounded by this kind of people makes me sick. people around me might think i'm happy but actually i'm not. yes, this is the story of my life and blogging is the second way for me to express the sadness.

moga Allah SWT timbulkan kesedaran kepada mereka bahawa syurga di tapak kaki ibu, rumah yang mereka duduk adalah rumah mak dan besar dosanya apabila guriskan hati mak. from the outside, mak seems okay but deeply inside i know she isn't happy with her children. takpe, in the future biar aku yang jaga mak. mohon mak ampunkan semua dosa nini.